Today marks the second day of the Lenten season and I've already come undone from following the daily devotionals by She Reads Truth. What I mean by "undone" is experiencing the intense tug and pull at my heart strings I felt this morning when reading Jeremiah 24:7 from today's devotion, then having my heart do a weird pitter-patter in my stomach.
"I will change their hearts. Then they will know that I am the Lord. They will be my people. And I will be their God. They will return to me with all their hearts." (NIV)
Pitter-patter, right?
Click play! Lane and I have been listening to this album all week.
When you can, turn off the lights, play this song, and meditate on the lyrics.
When you can, turn off the lights, play this song, and meditate on the lyrics.
She Reads Truth got it right about the Lent season being a pause button. Now that it’s February, I've definitely become apathetic and have pushed my real, raw, human-ness aside. Every day I've been striving to be this perfect person- wife, friend, worship leader, counseling student- trying to do things that are unique, trying to become a person people would admire and appreciate. All of this was happening that I didn't realize that I've disguised myself to the world and to God about how I'm really feeling.
I'm assuming people actually want to be the protagonist in their own life movie. But what people don't know about my life’s movie is that my character has kidnapped the real Jayna and locked her in a dark place where she's alone, terrified, and needs help. My character has been good at lying to her audience about how wonderful her life is. But she's hiding something and she doesn't even know that she's actually hurting herself.
My busyness has become an anchor. My only anchor. It’s now old, rusty, over-worked that it’s certain to detach itself from my strong hold against a storming sea. But then I read, "And I will be [her] God. [She] will return to me with all [her] heart." Suddenly, a pause button was pushed that caused an internal shock of pain, relief, and system override. God had taken my eyes off of my phone, e-mail, my unmade bed, and the dishes in the sink, the laundry, my homework, my GPA, my relationships, the scale, the mirror, and the bags under my eyes- and directed me to the Cross. The place where all of those things don’t matter and the big pause of silence is flooded with “I love you” – “I am yours, and you are mine” – “Receive my grace, receive my love” – “I am for you.”
Pitter-patter, again.
God sees me and hears my cries for help. Like in Genesis, when God asked Adam and Eve where they were hiding after they ate the fruit, God saw the fake Jayna and asked where the real Jayna was hiding. It’s as if He found the dirty hole I dug for myself to hide in and asked if He could join me.
Today, I’m coming above ground and reeling in my old anchor. Today, I’m going to allow for more pause button moments. Today, I’m going to redirect my thoughts of fear, doubt, and apathy and remember to stand tall on His grace (Romans 5:2). Today, I’m giving up on giving up and showing up to my life. No more hiding.
On a less serious note, I’ve also decided to give up coffee. I realized I only drink coffee when I don’t get a good night’s rest because I’ve watched way too many episodes of Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix (so, so addicted, you guys!). So, during this season, and hopefully beyond the scope of these next 38-days, I’m going to try my best at managing my time wisely in the evenings to get the required amount of sleep, so that I won’t need to drink (that much) coffee (when Lent is over).
The first two devotionals for the Lent series on SRT was like reading a syllabus for a new class. It’s both exciting and nerve-wrecking to know that there is more to learn and experience. Fortunately, we’re not getting graded at the end. But I'm certain after these 40-days are over, we will be shouting hallelujah because we will see and know the victory that came during those painful pause button moments and when I really needed that cup of coffee. Because, He has changed my heart. I know that He is the Lord. I am his Child. And He is my God. I have decided to return to Him with all of my heart.
Yours truly,
Jayna
Thanks for sharing your heart. Once you've said this aloud, I am sure many women will say, "me too". God has taught me over and over again that I am enough, and I have an audience of one. It's okay to leave and some things undone. It's okay to wear slippers in the house because the floor isn't swept. It's okay to choose friends and quality time over tasks. It's okay to... you get the idea. God is in love with you even more than Lane or your mama, and it has everything to do with him creating you and nothing to do with your productivity, appearance, or accomplishments.
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